November 24, 2025 – Somewhere Over the Atlantic (Parody Jet Edition) Listen up, conspiracy connoisseurs and crypto cowboys: In a world where the dollar’s deleveraging faster than Epstein’s “suicide” story, $EPSTON (EPSN) isn’t just a token – it’s a satirical Molotov cocktail lobbed at fiat’s funeral pyre. Launched on Solana for that sweet, speedy chaos, this pi-themed memecoin (total supply: 314,159,265 – because infinite circles, zero closure) is all about reviving the memecoin mania as America’s economy bounces back with 3.2% GDP glow-ups and Bitcoin’s $150K flirtations. But how do you actually buy this bad boy online without ending up in a rug-pull Reddit thread? Fear not – we’ve got the lowdown on every viable vector, from noob-friendly fiat ramps to degen DEX dives. Remember, this is parody paradise: DYOR, or risk your bag joining the burn list. Let’s swap some sats for scandal.Why $EPSTON? A Quick Satirical Primer Before the PurchasesBefore we dive into the “how,” a wink: $EPSTON didn’t shill itself (or did it?). With its 1% tx tax (0.5% burn, 0.5% to “Lolita Liquidity” for meme raids), it’s engineered for deflationary drama. Current MC? Hovering around $90K-$135K (depending on the dip you’re dipping into), with the CA locked in: GJVNVCfovYFWVQC62J2stXyCrawR5fAsC5HVpmZiaMkY. Trading on Raydium with Meteora liquidity – low vol right now ($2 buys vs. $0 sells in the last 24h, per DexScreener vibes), but that’s your entry cue. If you’re a true believer (Epstein’s really dead, orange prez drops the list soon), here’s how to ape in online. Pro tip: You’ll need SOL first – think of it as jet fuel for your island hop.Option 1: The Fiat-to-Crypto Ramp – MoonPay (Easiest for Newbies, Credit Card Chaos)MoonPay’s your golden parachute if you’re swapping dollars for digital debauchery without a wallet whisper. It’s like Uber for crypto: fast, but with surge pricing.

• Steps to Glory:
  1. Head to moonpay.com/buy/sol – select SOL (you’ll need ~$10-20 worth for gas and $EPSTON swaps).
  2. Enter your amount (e.g., $50 in USD) and paste your Solana wallet address (more on wallets below).
  3. Pay with Visa/Mastercard, Apple Pay, or bank transfer – verification’s quick (email + ID photo).
  4. SOL lands in your wallet in minutes. Boom – fiat’s fiat no more.
• Pros: No exchange account needed; auto-creates a wallet if you’re empty-handed. Supports 100+ cryptos, including SOL.
• Cons: Fees sting (4-7% + network gas); not ideal for big bags.
• $EPSTON Tie-In: Once SOL’d up, swap on a DEX (see below). Perfect for that “buy the dip, not the kids” impulse. moonpay.com

Option 2: Centralized Exchanges – Bitget or Coinbase (Secure, But SOL-Only – Swap Later)CEXs like Bitget are your Wall Street suit in crypto drag: regulated, user-friendly, but they won’t list $EPSTON directly (it’s too spicy for compliance). Buy SOL here, withdraw to a wallet, then DEX it.

• Bitget Breakdown (Global Go-To):
  1. Sign up at bitget.com – email/phone, verify ID (KYC in 5-10 mins).
  2. Deposit fiat (bank transfer, card) or crypto; snag SOL via spot trading (search “SOL/USDT”).
  3. Withdraw to your Solana wallet (fee: ~0.01 SOL).
  4. Pro move: Use their “Convert” tool for free SOL-to-other swaps, but for $EPSTON? Wallet transfer required.
• Coinbase Quickie (US-Friendly):
  1. App/download at coinbase.com; create account, verify.
  2. Buy SOL with bank/ACH (cheaper) or card (instant but fee-y).
  3. Send to wallet – done in hours.
• Pros: High liquidity, beginner tutorials, earn rewards (up to $2K free crypto on first buys). coinbase.com Bitget’s got that “hassle-free” halo with 24/7 support.
• Cons: KYC mandatory; withdrawal fees (~$1-5); no direct memecoin action.
• $EPSTON Hack: Post-withdrawal, bridge to Raydium. As one X degen quipped: “Fade Solana, buy $EPSTON.”

Option 3: DEX Swaps – Raydium or Jupiter (Degen’s Delight, Direct $EPSTON Access)This is where the real party crashes: Decentralized exchanges on Solana for instant, trustless $EPSTON grabs. No KYC, just vibes (and slippage).

• Raydium Rampage (The Launchpad OG):
  1. Wallet connected? (Phantom/Solflare – free download, seed phrase secure).
  2. Go to raydium.io/swap; paste $EPSTON CA: GJVNVCfovYFWVQC62J2stXyCrawR5fAsC5HVpmZiaMkY.
  3. Swap SOL for EPSN (set slippage to 5-10% for memecoin madness; liquidity ~$304 per recent scans).
  4. Confirm – tx in seconds, 0.000005 SOL fee.
• Jupiter Jive (Aggregator Supreme):
  1. Hit jup.ag – auto-routes best prices across DEXs.
  2. Input SOL out, $EPSTON in (search by CA or ticker).
  3. One-click swap; supports limit orders for dip-sniping.
• Pros: Anonymous, low fees (<$0.01), full control. Raydium’s the home turf for $EPSTON’s Meteora pool. phantom.com
• Cons: Wallet setup required; high slippage on low-liq days (current vol: $2 buys – buy low, pray high).
• $EPSTON Easter Egg: Every swap auto-burns 0.5% – you’re literally torching for the team. As the Reddit r/SolanaMemeCoins faithful chant: “Don’t fade this gem!” reddit.com +1

Wallet Essentials: Your $EPSTON Vault (Phantom Reigns Supreme)Can’t buy without a bunker. Download Phantom (phantom.app) – it’s the Solana king: mobile/desktop, built-in swaps, NFT storage. Setup: Generate seed, add SOL network, import if needed. Alternatives? Solflare for multi-chain, Backpack for degen tools. Not your keys? Not your Lolita Liquidity Pools.The Fine Print: Risks, Rewards, and Rug Warnings$EPSTON’s a memecoin – 420% weekly pumps possible, but 90% dumps lurk. US users: CEXs like Coinbase are compliant; DEXs? VPN if paranoid. Taxes? Track via Koinly. And if the list drops? Strap in – this could go parabolic or poof.Ready to release the gains? Paste that CA, swap on Raydium, and join the X frenzy (

@JofreyEpston2 for shills). Use code LISTDROP on the (hypothetical) site for vibes-only bonuses. To the moon? Darling, we’ve got the jet – but pack a parachute.Baron Von Burnbag is a fictional financier with zero real bags. This is satire, not advice. Crypto’s volatile – invest what you can afford to burn. Lol.[Disclaimer: JofreyEpston.com: Parody only. No Epstein ties. All trades risk total loss. #ReleaseTheList]